Machina Recruiting

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Loire, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly stunned, Loire hit a potato, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, she realized that her beloved Kindle Fire was missing! Immediately she called her bed-friend, Tubaloth. Loire had known Tubaloth for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Tubaloth was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... annoying. Loire called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Tubaloth picked up to a very happy Loire. Tubaloth calmly assured her that most South American hissing sloths shudder before mating, yet venomous koalas usually exotically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Loire. Why was Tubaloth trying to distract Loire? Because he had snuck out from Loire's with the Kindle Fire only nine days prior. It was a curious little Kindle Fire... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Loire got back to the subject at hand: her Kindle Fire. Tubaloth turned red. Relunctantly, Tubaloth invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Kindle Fire. Loire grabbed her refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Tubaloth realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Kindle Fire and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Loire took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least nine minutes before Loire would get there. But if she took the Razor AW Kick Scooter? Then Tubaloth would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Tubaloth was interrupted by nine clueless coypuss that were lured by his Kindle Fire. Tubaloth yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he thoughtfully reached for his wolverine and thoughtfully groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Razor AW Kick Scooter rolling up. It was Loire.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so she knew she was running late. With a skillful leap, Loire was out of the Razor AW Kick Scooter and went earnestly jaunting toward Tubaloth's front door. Meanwhile inside, Tubaloth was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Kindle Fire into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Tubaloth was relieved but at least the Kindle Fire was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Tubaloth charismatically purred. With a calculated push, Loire opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish noble genius in a tricycle,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Tubaloth assured her. Loire took a seat RIGHT next to where Tubaloth had hidden the Kindle Fire. Tubaloth shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Loire was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Tubaloth noticed a funny-smelling look on Loire's face. Loire slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Tubaloth felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Loire asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Kindle Fire right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Loire's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Loire nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Tubaloth could react, Loire aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Kindle Fire was plainly in view.

Loire stared at Tubaloth for what what must've been three microseconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, Tubaloth groped flamboyantly in Loire's direction, clearly desperate. Loire grabbed the Kindle Fire and bolted for the door. It was locked. Tubaloth let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Loire,' he rebuked. Tubaloth always had been a little abrasive, so Loire knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Tubaloth did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, she gripped her Kindle Fire tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Tubaloth looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Loire. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Loire. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Tubaloth walked over to the window and looked down. Loire was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Loire was struggling to make her way through the swamp behind Tubaloth's place. Loire had severely hurt her love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral coypuss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Kindle Fire. One by one they latched on to Loire. Already weakened from her injury, Loire yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of coypuss running off with her Kindle Fire.

About four hours later, Loire awoke, her ear throbbing. It was dark and Loire did not know where she was. Deep in the enchanting lemur-infested moor, Loire was exceedingly lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, she remembered that her Kindle Fire was taken by the coypuss. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a enlarged coypus emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha coypus. Loire opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the coypus sunk its teeth into Loire's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Loire's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than ten miles away, Tubaloth was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Kindle Fire. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Loire... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Kindle Fire that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant coypuss, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © http://www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

It all started when our protagonist, Fiv, woke up in a cornfield. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling really concerned, Fiv groped a paper clip, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Almost immediately, he realized that his beloved KupoLS was missing! Immediately he called his sworn enemy, Niv. Fiv had known Niv for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Niv was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Fiv called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Niv picked up to a very mad Fiv. Niv calmly assured him that most beavers yawn before mating, yet otters usually earnestly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Fiv. Why was Niv trying to distract Fiv? Because he had snuck out from Fiv's with the KupoLS only six days prior. It was a enticing little KupoLS... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Fiv got back to the subject at hand: his KupoLS. Niv yawned. Relunctantly, Niv invited him over, assuring him they'd find the KupoLS. Fiv grabbed his microwave and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Niv realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the KupoLS and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Fiv took the Pontiac Aztec, he had take at least eight minutes before Fiv would get there. But if he took the Fafnir? Then Niv would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Niv was interrupted by seven selfish Velkks that were lured by his KupoLS. Niv grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he recklessly reached for his spoon and aimlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Fafnir rolling up. It was Fiv.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Fiv was out of the Fafnir and went charismatically jaunting toward Niv's front door. Meanwhile inside, Niv was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the KupoLS into a box of forks and then slid the box behind his piano. Niv was puzzled but at least the KupoLS was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Niv exotically purred. With a inept push, Fiv opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying maniac in a Daewoo,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Niv assured him. Fiv took a seat inside where Niv had hidden the KupoLS. Niv sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Fiv was distracted. Rather abruptly, Niv noticed a selfish look on Fiv's face. Fiv slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Niv felt a stabbing pain in his neck when Fiv asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the KupoLS right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Fiv's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's butterknifes from when she used to have pet bunnies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Fiv nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Niv could react, Fiv aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The KupoLS was plainly in view.

Fiv stared at Niv for what what must've been five hours. Suddenly, Niv groped wildly in Fiv's direction, clearly desperate. Fiv grabbed the KupoLS and bolted for the door. It was locked. Niv let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Fiv,' he rebuked. Niv always had been a little pestering, so Fiv knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Niv did something crazy, like... start chucking socks at him or something. Almost immediately, he gripped his KupoLS tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Niv looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Fiv. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Fiv. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Niv walked over to the window and looked down. Fiv was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Fiv was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Niv's place. Fiv had severely hurt his thigh during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Velkks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the KupoLS. One by one they latched on to Fiv. Already weakened from his injury, Fiv yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Velkks running off with his KupoLS.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Fiv's KupoLS. Feeling concerned, God smote the Velkks for their injustice. Then He got in His Pontiac Aztec and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 2,000 otters running from a misshapen pack of kittens. Fiv fell with joy when he saw this. His KupoLS was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, Sex and the City, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When puppies meet malaria'). Fiv was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Niv and a few gun-toting koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © http://www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.