FFXIAH Linkshell Ni

I was at this wedding and the bride and bride's mom were fighting about the schedule most of the time.... yeah, let's argue NOW about whether or not you cut the cake before the bouquet toss. (the whole wedding was one long advertisement for having a wedding planner...and security guards) I'm sure the order of events of a wedding reception are so important they were originally carved on the back of the ten commandments...

anyhoo the booze was free and I think people were trying to get drunker than normal to haze out the awkwardness created by the bridezilla and her mother...

So after many arguments it comes time for the cake cutting and they smear it on each others faces.... and the new husband does it with such malice I start taking the "under" on the suggestion of a six month over/under...

and they start passing the cake out and it tastes like fondant covered kitty litter and this little kid is so disgusted by it, he takes it out of his mouth and throws it... and it hits a little girl, perhaps completely by accident....

Now at this point I say something like "oh that isn't good, let's get the hell out of here" and start moving quickly for the door... thirty seconds later ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE the kids are throwing cake at each other and then the adults start pushing each other and throwing stuff and the whole thing turns into a full scale drunken riot with the police and everything...

I missed the police showing up because I was halfway out the door when the tulle sacks of jordan almonds started flying around and people started swinging. There goes a bridesmaid up on top of someone's shoulders and then someone picks up a chair and a table gets flipped over....and the sounds of broken glass and drunken shouting fill the air but we made it outside unscathed.

The only thing that could have made that scene any worse was something like painted rocks.... sweet jebus I shudder to think about how much irreparable harm something like that would have added...

I ain't even pretending to come if there are gunna be rocks!!

In the days of yore, shortly before the gods of water and vengeance bestowed upon me my twin gleaming canisters of liquid reprisal... I armed myself with a battery powered machine squirt gun and rained watery terror on the unsuspecting citizens of whatever town I happened to be in at the time...

Ahhhhh I remember it well. The first warm days of the spring mid 1980s and people were driving around with their windows open to feel the kiss of warm air on their cheeks. None would suspect a young fledgling maniac and his fateful companion were cruising around looking for people to squirt in the face, for no apparent reason. But we were... It was I and Mr. Dobolina Mr. Bob Dobolina in my 78 Volare tooling around town spraying random victims...

And so we happened to find ourselves in the left lane making a left passing slowly along side a long line of cars also making lefts with their windows down and trapped like rats in a cage.

And I said "Look, they all lined up for us" and reached my weapon almost all the way into their cars and let loose. There was no where they could go, nothing they could do but desperately struggle to roll up their windows...but it was too late. They were already soaked to the bone as a harsh maniacal laugh pierced the air.

And then we sped away laughing like fools... But one car managed to wriggle free, made an illegal u turn and come after us and a high speed chase ensued. We were racing full bore now almost side by side as the victim struggled to pull up beside us.

But the road was about to narrow to one lone lane... ours! and soon or hapless dupe would run out of road. But with one last gasp of acceleration and desperation he screamed "Suck this ***!!!" and threw a handful of pea sized gravel at the passenger side of the Volare, some of the pebbles hitting Bobby in the back. And then his car left the roadway almost rolling over as he slammed into the back end of the deep ditch beyond the guard rail...

"Son of a ***" screamed Bobby as he pawed at his back... "Did you see that!?" Our adversary ate it like Sheriff Roscoe P. Coletrane on the Dukes of Hazzard.. It was glorious! We laughed until our stomachs felt like they would burst...Me more so than Bobby as he still felt a little sting from the gravel. And I fought back the urge to swing around and give Roscoe another taste of the squirt gun... gods only know how much more gravel he had in his car.. where the hell did he even get the first handful?

But it didn't matter.. There were more victims on the road ahead, a great many more. They were lining up for us all over the city to taste the cold wet sting of vengeance at the hands of the Extinguisher!!! Muhahahahahahaha!