Asura.Ludoggy said:
No excuses.
"My dog ate it. Little did I know he was allergic, and had to spend the next 3 hours cleaning up diarrhea lines across the house. Afterward I took him to the vet and got X-rays done. Turns out it was lodged in his colon so I scheduled surgery immediately. A few hours later, they brought him out fit as a fiddle, and even managed to recover what was left of it.
"Sadly, my victory didn't last. When I arrived home to start cleaning it, my girlfriend came screaming about being pregnant or some such. You could imagine my surprise! As far as I knew, we'd taken every proper precaution. Once the fear subsided, I remembered it and went to finish cleaning it. That's when my girlfriend vomited.
"Did you know pregnancy does crazy things to a woman's body? I rushed to wash up the mess she'd just made when I noticed blood. Immediately, I called 911 and we rushed to the hospital. After yelling at the receptionist for 30 minutes, we managed to secure a rather nice room. Baby blue really isn't my favorite color, but it might look good in my baby's room.
"After a few hours of waiting, we got the results of the tests back. I did mention those, right? Yeah, she had blood drawn and everything. I was half-suspicious that a Vampire mob was demanding their monthly dues with how efficient they were. Which got me thinking... Can humans and vampires truly co-exist together? It seems like it'd be a very fragile Predator-Prey relationship. Maybe there's an entire organization designed for protecting the species like Pandas? I like Pandas!
"When we finally arrived home, I was exhausted, but immediately remembered it. Unfortunately, while walking up the stairs, I caught a thick puff of smoke. Smoking is bad for you, by the way. It's supposed to add tar to your lungs and reduce your body's oxygen efficiency. I'd probably never smoke, especially with a kid on the way. Does that make me a good Father?
"So I walk into the house and wouldn't you know it? There was my girlfriend's mother there smoking a cigar. God, I hate that woman. She's like a whale. You feel like killing her for the oil her fat could make, and selling the bones to some Necromancy cult. I think they try to graft the pieces to themselves and become one with the dead or something. Now that I think about it, it's kinda cool. I should try it some time.
"She spends about 45 minutes screaming about how I'd be a horrible father and that she's disowning her daughter. Shortly afterward, I smashed her nose and went into a wild bloody frenzy. I was like Wolverine all clawing and growling like some badass who could regenerate insanely quickly. You know, X-men was pretty good. I used to watch the cartoon! Though, Gambit was my favorite.
"When I finally came to, I was in a hospital bed with severe burns and three less fingers. Something about trying to feed from the "Waters of Life" or some such. They're pretty crazy, you know, but I don't mind them. My girlfriend was there, too, holding what looked like a charred chihuahua in her arms. God I hated that dog.
"Once the usual yelling and screaming subsided, I found out the cigar from when I punched my girlfriend's mother had landed on the floor and started a fire. I asked her if it was safe, then she spent another hour screaming at me. Spoiler: It burned up in the accident, along with all my Poke'mon cards. I had a freaking Charizard! Do you know how much those are worth?!
"Anyway, I'm really sorry I didn't finish it."