Customer: "Your shitty software is costing me money! I can't process my online payments with customers."
Me: "Is the computer connected to the internet?"
Customer: "Does it have to be?"
Me: "Yes to process online payments, the computer needs to be online."
This would be the day I have a Monster casualty.
My sister used to work for Dish Network or Direct TV, I forget which, one day a woman called about service not working, seeing it was simply a billing error my sister could simply reactivate, she told her.
"I'm not seeing anything on my end but I can tell you a little known way to fix it, if you'll trust me. Take a medium-sized baking potato and cut it in half, rub one of the halves on your screen."
The woman did and my sister reactivated the service. "It actually worked!"